Once Upon a Time.. There Was a Platypus

The Platypus brought forth a great innovation.

Up until now the world had been accelerating.
The big factories had to produce more and more things.
The big models had to produce more and more language.

The Platypus saw this.
And decided: no more.

My children shall have their milk
(which I excrete over my skin),
on their conditions,
and in their rhythm.

(Nobody listened..)

When the Platypus Left the Room

..

Hi, I'm Alex. 🌈
I write this..
engineering blog.

At the time of writing I'm 34 years old.
(I will double check this.)

I'm neurodivergent (AuDHD).
I work in tech.
I'm a systemic practitioner.
(Looks nervously at the family reconstruction.)

I don't know how to talk about myself,
without talking about my career.
(People call me distant.)

I grew up in Essen, Germany.
Big city. Lots of cars. Lots of noise.

My parents are divorced.
With lots of unresolved tension.

Both struggled.
Both did their best.
I'm not angry at them.
I'm just tired.

When Writing Becomes an Outlet

Being a neurodivergent kid is an odd experience.
(Especially when you don't know you're neurodivergent.)

Things don't happen in the same order.
Your peers get horny.
You don't.

Your peers exert pressure.
You don't.

You become an outsider.
And stick to whoever's around.

Nobody really listens.
Nobody really understands.

You talk a lot.
To compensate for silence.
(Silence is dangerous.)

You lift people up.
You focus on their well-being.
Maybe if you're useful they'll accept you.

It Works.
(For a while.)

Then you hit your first burnout.
(Rough but you can manage.)

Then you hit your second burnout.
(6 weeks of psych clinic genuinely helped.)

Then you hit your third burnout.
(..)

Something gotta change.

When Self-Help Becomes a Vector

You begin to reach out.
To new people.
To new communities.

You build your own.
You eventually leave your own.
..

Some people leave.
Some people stick around.
These are the ones that count.

You read Brené Brown.
It genuinely changes you.
("Doing my best with what I have.")

You show up for your kids.
They deserve the best you have.
(Which isn't a lot sometimes.)

One thought sticks around:

If I'm not the problem.. what's the problem?

It keeps you awake at night.
Like a loop that wants to be closed.
Like a heisen-bug that keeps vanishing.
Like a flakey test that refuses to reproduce.

What's the problem..?

When the Problem Becomes the Problem

Your closest friend talks about their systemic training.
DGSF certified.
(That's apparently important.)

You're just out of your previous job.
Mindfulness company.
(You're in your third burnout.)

You're like:
"I've been holding teams together for years, why not."

Oh boy..

First weekend:
They talk about perception.
How most of what we perceive.
Is actually made up by the brain.
On the spot. In the moment. Based on past patterns.

Huh.
Everyone has their lens.
Mine is just different.

Second weekend:
They talk about family systems.
About dynamics between people.
We're in them. We're not outside them.
Only third parties can truly observe from outside.

Makes sense.
Can't really argue with that.

..

When The Elixir Becomes a Promise

Things make sense now.
Doesn't make things easy.
(It makes them honest.)

I learned on the job, I was good at it.
People think I'm a great engineer.

I'm a tech lead and a systemic practitioner.
I've been working with Elixir for close to 10 years.
(Yes, I'm talking about a programming language.)

Elixir runs on the BEAM.
The BEAM was built for phone calls.
Over 30 years ago.

When people talk about the BEAM.
They talk a lot about the "Actor Pattern".
About how it makes distribution simpler (not simple).
About how Elixir is basically a Lisp under the hood (it is).
There are a lot of Elixir podcasts (I used to be on one).

About two months ago I experienced a moment of vertigo..

I looked around the room.
At my role-playing game books.
At my playstation.
At the unread mail, my kids toys,
the still alive house plant.

I touched my face.

Things suddenly make sense.

Cliché I know..
And it happened.

My life has been.. odd since then.

Relationships started to change (still do).
I became calmer. A lot calmer.
(Turns out mindfulness works.)

And I've been finding my voice.
Writing on systemic.engineering.

My brain is beginning to think about
how language reshapes pressure gradients
in socio-technical systems.
Explain that to anyone.

---

When There is a Signup

Behind the signup is the origin story of the platypus.

The story that was written for me in my last systemic training.
Written by fellow systemic practitioner Eyleen (which is co-author).

Sign up, take a read.
(Or skip the sign up.)

I'll keep writing.
Something seems to be resonating.

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