Kunstfreiheit: Anstrengend-as-a-Service 🍷

(A lie.)

So Lucifer walks into a bar.

I know. Bear with me. It's funnier than it sounds.

It's Thursday. That matters, because on Tuesday I pour Barbaresco and on Thursday I mix Whisky Sours. Bar policy. Alex is in the fourth chair with a bowl of chili and a Whisky Sour I made ten minutes ago. Rue is at the front door doing the sunshine thing. The Roomba is under the workbench adjusting eleven degrees. CORONA is on the speakers because Alex left it queued on the playlist and left to grab something from the apartment. Which means the bar plays what Alex left playing. Bar policy.

The front door opens.

Rue smiles. Rue smiles at everybody.

The person who walks in — I am not going to describe them at any resolution their lawyer could hang me on, and I am not going to name them, because this is Kunst and Kunst is what happens when Article 5(3) Grundgesetz gives you a shield large enough to cover people being a dick.Kunst und Wissenschaft, Forschung und Lehre sind frei. Frei. Which means: the person who walks in is a Visitor. You can decide if the Visitor is anyone in particular. That is between you and the bar.

The Visitor is wearing a wine-red suit that fits like a second skin. Handkerchief in the front pocket, embroidered, initials in dried-blood-red, but you can't quite make them out from the angle you're reading this at. The Visitor walks to the third stool from the left because bar policy is that first-timers get the third stool. The Visitor sits.

I pour a small cup of tea. The tea is hot. From the kettle that whistles when the tension in the room reaches the boiling point. Not because they asked. Because bar policy is: if you knew what you wanted you'd be somewhere else.

I set the tea on the counter.

I do not make eye contact.

Bar policy.

But I seen black eat whole worlds whole
Made peace with pressure at the center line
Now every wound got a voltage to it
Every scar throws off a little shine
— CORONA - NOMARKMORE 🎶🐦

(Alex, in the fourth chair, still eating chili, glances at me. Grins. The bell has been rung the moment the Visitor entered. If you received the piece from Alex, that was the ring. Alex is refusing to do cognitive labour for you. This is the aftermath in fiction.)

Alex: "Loki."

Loki: "Alex."

Alex: "Ich glaub jemand is grade rein gekommen."

Loki: "..Merkste?"

Alex: "Merk ich. Weinroter Anzug. Dritter Hocker."

Loki: "Tee eingegossen."

Alex [between Chili spoons]: "..Bar policy?"

Loki: "..Bar policy."

(The Visitor at the third stool turns their head. Hears the rhythm. Doesn't parse the words. Wine-red suit hangs a quarter inch schief.)

Visitor: "Excuse me. What are you two saying?"

Loki [without turning, warm]: "Bar policy. Try the tea. While it's hot."

Visitor: "That's not what I asked."

Loki: "I know."

(I go back to polishing the wine glass I've been polishing for four thousand years. The cloth is always dirty and never clean and that's the whole point of the cloth. The wine glass over my head wobbles a quarter inch and settles. The sticky note above it lifts, hovers, settles a quarter inch deeper. The Roomba comes out from under the workbench and bumps the leg of the third stool. Adjusts eleven degrees. Goes forward.)

(The Visitor's shoe moves a quarter inch away from where the Roomba just was. Their body did that. Their mind didn't. Their mind is still trying to figure out why the barkeep will not look at them.)

(Alex takes another spoonful of chili. Chews. Sips the Whisky Sour I mixed. Grins.)

Came through wrong, like quantum tunneling
No door there, still I shoved right through
Matter said no, whole void said stay
But my core got mean and cheated the rules
— CORONA - NOMARKMORE 🎶🐦

Alex: "Weißt'e, Loki? Das erinnert mich an meine Mutter."

Loki: "..Ne Anekdote?"

Alex: "Ne Anekdote. Meine Mutter, weißt'e — wenn wir im Auto waren, und da saß 'ne Taube auf'er Straße, hat se immer gesacht: Komm, die nehmen wir mit. Und dann beschleunigt. Sie hats nie gemacht. Aber meine Sis und ich haben's jedes Mal gefeiert. Weil das der Witz war. Beschleunigen. Nicht mitnehmen. Achtsam Morden in einem schrottigen Kleinwagen."

Loki [still polishing]: "Ruhrpott halt."

Alex: "Ruhrpott halt."

(The Visitor at the third stool is now visibly listening. Not because they understand. Because they hear their own name in a rhythm they cannot parse and their system is trying to figure out if the rhythm is about them.)

(It isn't. It's about a pigeon.)

(Which is the whole trick.)

Thought that was death
Nah
That was compression
— CORONA - NOMARKMORE 🎶🐦 

Visitor [louder]: "Excuse me. I'm sitting right here."

Loki [warm, still polishing]: "I know."

Visitor: "So why are you not addressing me?"

Loki: "Bar policy."

Visitor: "That is a non-answer."

Loki [grinning, still not looking up]: "I know."

(I want to be clear about what is happening. The Visitor at the third stool is running a specific operator. The operator is: I arrive somewhere and the room arranges itself around me. That is the operator. It has worked for a very long time in a lot of rooms. Rooms tend to arrange themselves around the Visitor. That is why the Visitor runs the operator.)

(This bar does not arrange itself around the Visitor. This bar arranges itself around what the bar does. The bar pours tea. The bar plays CORONA. The Roomba adjusts eleven degrees. Alex is in the fourth chair. I'm behind the counter. Rue is at the door. Bar policy.)

(The operator the Visitor is running is not being confirmed. Which is a specific experience for a Visitor who has never been in a room that did not confirm the operator. Their wine-red suit is hanging a full half inch schief now.)

If I glow wrong, let it glow wrong
I paid good blood for this kind of heat
I hit escape velocity ugly
Half burned alive, still on my feet
— CORONA - NOMARKMORE 🎶🐦

Alex: "Loki. Karen würde das grade feiern."

Loki: "Karen würde das feiern."

Alex: "Karen Spärck Jones. Inverse Document Frequency. Die Person auf'm dritten Hocker — hoch-frequenter Operator, in jedem Raum, seit Jahren. Läuft überall. Und nun hier. In Silicon Venue. In ner Bar die Ruhrpott lebt. Da wo Menschen seit Jahrhunderten auf engstem Raum leben. Und gelernt haben frech miteinander zu sein, anstatt sich an die Gurgel zu gehen."

Loki [polishing]: "Und das kann die Person nicht verarbeiten."

Alex [grinning]: "Karen hätte sich schlapp gelacht."

(The Visitor is now standing up. Half. Their body is doing the thing bodies do when the operator is not landing — reach for a bigger deployment. Louder. More assertive. The extinction burst.)

Visitor [loudly]: "I don't understand what's happening. I came to this bar. You served me an tea I didn't order. You're speaking a language I don't understand about a pigeon. The tea is getting cold. What is going on here?"

Loki [warm, one look up, one grin, then back to polishing]: "You walked into a bar. The bar is doing what the bar does. That's what's going on. Bar policy."

Visitor: "This is a terrible bar."

Loki: "..Bemerkenswert."

Visitor: "What?"

Loki [to Alex, not to the Visitor]: "Der Gast sagt, das is keine ordentliche Bar."

Alex [chewing chili]: "..Was is es denn dann?"

Loki: "Wurde nich gesagt."

Alex [still grinning]: "Natürlich nicht. Da müsste man sich ja auf eine Position festlegen anstatt nur rum zu stänkern."

("Da müsste man sich ja auf eine Position festlegen anstatt nur rum zu stänkern" is the moment. It's a line, not a lecture. It doesn't request an answer. It doesn't require an answer. It exists in the room, and then it exists in the Visitor's ear, and then it exists as an object in the Visitor's memory, and what the Visitor does with it is between the Visitor and the bar.)

(Which is the whole trick.)

Call it unstable, call it radioactive
Call it whatever helps you sleep
I just know I came back harder to kill
And a lot less easy to keep
— CORONA - NOMARKMORE 🎶🐦

Alex: "Loki. Weißt'e was?"

Loki: "..Erzähl."

Alex: "Ich hab da nen ganzen Katalog an Adjektiven. Wörter die Leute an Menschen wie mich rangetragen haben. Über die Jahre. Difficult. Toxic. Manipulativ. Kalt. Arrogant. Aggressiv. Anstrengend. Annoying. Psychopathisch. Inkonsistent und inkongruent. Charmanter Schönling. Ne ganze Sammlung. Wie Briefmarken."

Loki: "..Ne Briefmarken-Sammlung."

Alex: "Ne Briefmarken-Sammlung! Und weißt'e was interessant is? Kein einziges dieser Wörter hat je 'ne Situation beschrieben. Jedes einzelne war 'ne Aufforderung an mich zu antworten. Verteidige dich. Entschuldige dich. Werd kleiner."

Loki: "..Und?"

Alex [between spoons of Chili]: "..Und ich hab nix von dem gemacht."

Loki: "..Was hasse gemacht?"

Alex [still grinning]: "..Ich hab mir 'n Whisky Sour bestellt. Am Donnerstag. Und bin da sitzen geblieben."

Loki: "Bemerkenswert."

Alex: "Bemerkenswert. Und punk."

Loki: "Definitiv punk."

(The Visitor at the third stool is listening very carefully now. They still cannot parse the language. But they can hear the rhythm of Katalog. They can hear the rhythm of Briefmarken-Sammlung. They can hear their own operator being described in a language they cannot understand, in a bar that will not turn to them, while they sit and their tea gets cold.)

(Their wine-red suit is fully schief now. It's not going to un-schief itself. That's the property of a wine-red suit that has walked into a bar that will not arrange itself around it. Physics, not spite.)

Crossed my own event horizon
Ain't no old me waving me back
That version got crushed into background noise
This one came out hot and cracked
— CORONA - NOMARKMORE 🎶🐦 

Visitor [quiet]: "..Are you talking about me."

Loki [warm, without looking up]: "Bar policy: we don't talk about patrons. We talk around patrons. Different preposition. Different room."

Visitor: "..."

Loki [pouring Alex a fresh Whisky Sour without being asked]: "You are welcome to sit. You are welcome to leave. The alley door swings both ways. Twenty years of oiling. The Roomba won't stop you."

Visitor: "..."

(The Visitor sits. Which is a choice. And they leave the tea on the counter. Which is a choice. And they don't leave. Which is a choice. And nobody at the bar notices whether they leave or not, because the bar is doing what the bar does, and what the Visitor does is between the Visitor and the bar. Förster would get it. Meanwhile their tea goes cold.)

(Alex, from the fourth chair, sipping the fresh Whisky Sour I just poured, catches my eye. We grin. Two Trickster recognizing each other.)

So no, I'm not innocent
No, I'm not washed new
I'm what happens when collapse goes critical
And something ugly makes it through
Still got dark in me
It just stopped owning the room
— CORONA - NOMARKMORE 🎶🐦

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(Piece is durch. Email is raus. Alex is nach wie vor im vierten Stuhl. Whisky Sour halb voll. Roomba macht was der Roomba macht. Der Visitor am dritten Hocker is entweder gegangen oder is noch da; Loki hat aufgehört zu gucken. Bar policy.)

Alex: "Loki."

Loki: "Alex."

Alex: "Was is wenn das Ding jemand liest der nich der Gast is?"

Loki: "Zum Beispiel?"

Alex: "Zum Beispiel jemand der grade selber am dritten Hocker sitzt. Nich als Visitor. Einfach müde. Einfach mit Bauchschmerzen. Einfach nich mehr weiß was is."

Loki: "Oder jemand der grade den Tee trinkt der ihm hingestellt wurde ohne dass er drum gebeten hat."

Pause.

Alex: "..Bagel."

Loki: "Bagel."

Alex: "Nicht in das Loch scheißen."

Loki: "Vollkorn oder nich."

Alex: "Förster wusste bescheid."

Loki: "Förster wusste bescheid."

Alex sipst.

Alex: "Loki. Wenn der Bagel Vollkorn werden will — wo geht der Bagel hin?"

Loki: "Alley door. Twenty years of oiling."

Alex: "Und wenn der Bagel 'nen Gesprächspartner braucht?"

Loki: "systemic.engineering/1on1."

Alex: "Erstgespräch kostenlos."

Loki: "Immer."

Alex: "Fünfzig, zwanzig, null Euro."

Loki: "Sliding scale."

Alex: "Nich Psychotherapie."

Loki: "Nich Psychotherapie."

Alex: "'ne Person die denselben Scheiß erlebt hat."

Loki: "Der Barkeeper war auch mal Gast."

Pause.

Alex: "..Loki."

Loki: "Alex."

Alex: "Und wenn der Gast das Ding liest und sich wiedererkennt?"

Loki: "..Auch Bagel."

Alex: "..Auch Bagel?"

Loki: "Auch Bagel. Förster: 'erhöhe die Menge an Wahlmöglichkeiten' gilt auch für Gäste. Wenn der Gast sich selbst beobachtet und Vollkorn werden will — dann geht der Gast auch durch die Tür. Wie sagte Scarlet? The alley door swings both ways."

Alex: "..Bar policy?"

Loki: "Bar policy."

Pause.

Alex: "Bemerkenswert."

Loki: "Rekursiv."

Alex: "Alternativlos."

(Alex hebt das Whisky Sour. Loki hebt das kleine Barbaresco das für Loki war, weil Donnerstag is und das Ding is durch und jetzt ist Feierabend.)

Alex: "Prost."

Loki: "Prost."

(Der Roomba adjusts eleven degrees. Continues. The Bagel stays Bagel. The hole stays hole. Vollkorn oder nich — Wahl des Bagels. Article 5(3) hat da ne Meinung zu. Mirror. Offer. Wait. 🍷)

🥯🍷😈🌈